Turn Up The Lights In Here

August 1, 2011

Move Over Turtle

Saint Tropez, France

Sorry Turtle.

43 and not giving a fuck.

Classic Hugh.

Classic Wolverine.

Stud.

Go 'Head Turtle

Can't be mad at that.

Do you pimp.

Ex girlfriend dates an NFL quarterback after you?

What do you do, sit at home and eat ice cream and watch Aladdin?

No.

You drop some lbs and go back to the hottest show of the decade.

You Want Equality - I Got Your Equality

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak.

You also know that I love women.

You also know that I love when women try to do things that guys do.

Like this...

Well, 'nuff said.

You know what doesn't feel like a 1000 lb motorcycle landing on you?

Making me an egg sandwich with nothing but high heels on.

July 30, 2011

Emma Glover vs Rosie Jones - Battle of the Hot, Big Boobie, English Girls

Sorry blondes.

Italy changed me.

I'm obsessed with dark hair and big boobs now.

Crazy, right? I'm like the only one.

These are just two of many of the girls from the U.K. that are really hot with amazing bodies that like to take their tops off because they're smart.

First is Emma Glover. Barstool is going to do a "Wake Up" with her on Monday.

Too slow Stool.

The second is Rosie Jones.

Who ya got?

Personally I'm more of a Rosie fan.

And I didn't want to go full blown smut on this one but just google each to see these girls do what they do best.

Rosie Jones -

Yayy.

Olivia Munn Can Get It

Can't ever decide on this girl. She's kinda dorky, boyish, chinese-ish...

She does look good in a bikini though.

Yayy!

July 29, 2011

I Might Be A Jets Fan Again This Year

Word on the street is...

Nnamdi Asomugha is going to be a Jet.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

With the Bears giving away their only offensive weapon, I'm all aboard the Jets train.

Between them and the Pats, football will be fun this year.

Now lets go eat a god damn snack.

Ok Posner...I Like

Loving the lyrics.

Paid for everything, butch. Now lets do it.

Like a thug once said..."As long as we fuckin, it's all sprinkles."

Yeah, You Guys Will Definitely Work Again

You guys will get auditions... No really...

Josh Beckett Made A Kid Cry His Eyes Out

Jesus, Beckett, what a dickhead.

Butt what in the fuck is wrong with this kid.

Suck it up bro, that wasn't Brooklyn Decker.

That was another bro, bro.

Another dude with the same parts as you just made you squirt some?

Then you're going to hug your DAD.

If that was my son I woulda slapped him and told him to give the ball back because there is no crying in baseball.

What are these damn kids doing these days.

Pussies.

KID DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A CHANCE.

When I strike out at a bar I don't just get a free blowjob from the bartender because it was a good try.

Work for it kids.

Hard work beats talent...

July 28, 2011

Timberlake And Ryan Gosling Killin It

Straight pussy wreckers.

I think I'm even a little wet.

Thanks Entourage

Honestly the season 8 opener wasn't bad but they cheated with this song.

My balls seriously tingled for like an hour after I heard this.

Forgot all about this jam.

Used to listen to it before like 8th grade football games and shit.

We won.

Lookin Good You Bald Dummy

Word on the street is...

Gaga uses Rogaine.

And I'm back to my happy place. It really is the little things in life...

Oh, Goddamn It...

I can't believe they are making another Valentines Day.

Mother fucker.

Shit.

I don't know what to do.

Here.

AMC Knows What I Need

Well, AMC did it again.

Last time it was in the winter.

I was feelin the blues, my woman wasn't by my side grades weren't stellar...

It gave me 5 nights of Rocky then.

Now?

I get "Mob Week".

It starts Monday.

I honestly don't want any of my readers to watch. Some of my most beloved movies are going to be on and I fucking hate when dip-shits like you guys quote them.

I'm about to get heavy on The Godfather because it's perfect and fuck you.

Also, a lot of Goodfellas' clips are blocked from YouTube.

Like, you can't tell me why this scene is perfect. And why the studio didn't even want Pacino until they saw this scene.

It just pisses me off. Like kids that get stupid tattoos of stupid shit on their bodies.

Get that fucking Hurley sign off of your shirt you stupid little shit and get the fuck out of my neighborhood.

Fuckin' twitter generation. Fuck all of you.

Wish I could wack all of yous.

If I showed this to someone today they would just say it's a guy smoking.

Wrong.

One of the best acted scenes in movie history.

I could go on for days.

If you do watch, learn something.

1. Spend more time with your families.

2. Never put too many onions in the sauce.

3. Never rat on your friends.

4. Don't EVER touch another man's girl.

5. Always threaten the liver with a knife. SO scary.

6. NEVER TRUST THE TURK!

7. One small weakness can get us all killed.

8. That this will always be the best mob scene in any mob movie. Ever.

July 27, 2011

This Dude Beat Me to the Punch

This can't be real.

It's so funny.

I thought Jersey Sports Fan was funny.

This dude and his wife are the funniest people on the world.

This is how white guys talk when they know they are trying to be bad black guys on purpose.

It's funny because some black people would see this and think it was hot.

Basically the funny fake verson of mah nigg freal.

July 23, 2011

So, I'm still in Italy.

Started in Florence. Then Went to Venice. Now I'm on the coast.

Florence was sick as fuck. Women everywhere. Good shopping. Good wine.

Our driver out of Venice showed us the Jersey Shore apartment which ended up only being about 3 blocks from our hotel.

I guess he worked security for them at a press thing. He didn't know any of their names but he did describe Snooki as, "the onea witha the biga hair" and J Woww as, "the onea witha the biga boobs."

So that was cool.

Venice was...well lets just say if you don't like Gucci or Prada or water you wouldn't like it.

Now I'm on the coast. And we got bumped to a resort and spa so this dude has been livin lavish.

We walked up and there is this murdered out 2010 Lambo parked basically in the front door. Shit looked like the Bat-mobile.

At least 4 yachts outside in the cove everyday. Old money yachts too.

I've been kickin it by the pool because, well, they want it, I want it, everyone wins.

(actual view of the pool)

(my spot is the next to last one on the right, perfect view of everything, I go down at like 7 and put my towel there so no-one takes it)

First thing I notice is how all of the women are fucking awesome looking.

The only thing that sucks is that most of the men also look like this.

So what if I'm a tad whiter and out of shape. Makes me different. And if it's anything women like, it's different.

There is like one Italian woman, 5"10, gorgeous and she belongs to the dude with the Lambo.

This dude is like 300lbs and wears a speedo everywhere he goes. Probably worth about 10 billion cuz he walks around like his dick is about 15 inches long. It's hilarious.

Every other person around the pool knows me as the drunk guy who does can-openers by the no-diving sign.

The chicks dig it.

And the best part is, every woman looks bored out of their mind. So I'm basically in.

I wrote 307 in sunscreen on my fucking chest today so I should get a few knocks tonight around midnight.

Anyway...I'm not coming back. Pretty much said fuck school and all the bullshit. They said they would start paying me to do what I do here because I've been getting everyone so drunk that they buy a lot more shit in the Spa the day after.

Ciao to everyone.

It was cool while it lasted, American women.

To all my back home niggas. Imma see yall. Don't worry.

I'm going to have them change room 217 into my personal apartment.

REALLY glad I watched this video before this trip.